went to vanc last weekend. mainland two weeks in a row- I'm on a roll. the usual:
missed the ferry. both ways. sigh. yam fries and amazing view made up for it. so finally got there. drinks, walks, drinks, scammed drinks from a charity event (woops), then Eliz! next morning she made Dave and I the most amazing breakfast, better than any brunch joint- plus she MADE the jam. I swear to god I should have married her when I had the chance.
Tuesday Head and Bytron and I went to a special opening reception of the new museum exhibit- Treasures from the Royal British Museum (thanks head!). stuffed ourselves with the free food first, which in retrospect was not the best idea as I was doing the stiff legged fart walk through the whole crowded thing. You've never seen a byzantine painting of jesus and mary until you've seen it while holding in a hummous fart. Intense concentration
Dude (who is hilarious by the way) was talking about Weird Al being underrated. Now I am.
Looking back, he was probably the number 1 inspiration for for my short lived music group ‘The Metamucil Mothers’. Just like Weird Al, I changed the song lyrics into humourous little ditties- only mine were all ‘toilet’ themed. Me and a friend would sing them to a captive audience of family and friends. Haha, nope no friends. Pets maybe. I remember doing a song by Jewel and a few by The Presidents of the United States of America. OH! I totally did Peaches!
This live version is a little lame, thanks to the record label removing the album version from youtube. as if that'll encourage me to go out and buy the album in its entirety. again.
oh apparently they only did that to the big hit. oh man I loved this band. I think I might've been talking about weird al, but I've moved on
OH! Weird Al DID a cover of Lump! full circle!
Floater Magazine
need to see it big
my favorite on the bad side: I Just Pooped
So I'm dogsitting, and the dog is charming but a little nervous. A medium-large dog. Rufus. Two nights ago: Even though the apartment was super hot, I decided to stay the night with him. good thing. at 1:00am Big-D called me. After talking for a while, Rufus started freaking out, but I thought it was from my talking. nope. massive liquid diarrhea all over the floor.
An excerpt from the email I sent Big-D the next day-
oh lord. So last night after cleaning up the puddle of shit, I took Rufus the dog out for a little walk, in case he needed to do another. he did. It was good that it was 130 am so that the world didnt have to watch my dog liquid shit (I would have just muttered how it isnt my dog, which I did when he peed on someones bike). It was bad that it was 130am because I stupidly went out braless in my slinky sleep tank top. Middle of parkdale at 130 am is not the time to be wearing that unless you are looking to score crack at a discount.
I thought last night was bad. this morning Rufus fucking left a puddle of shit on the carpet! so so so much worse! the sounds it makes coming out of his ass will haunt me forever. I had planned on nutella for breakfast (I kid you not).... but after spreading over my toast, I couldn't bring myself to touch it.
Falling asleep in a haze of shit smell was not fun. There were several more puddles of poo after that, but all outside thank god. So the world did get a chance to watch the dog liquid shit after all. I won't get into the logistics of dealing with that. I've already gone into way too much detail.
Farticles
Update: it gets better
Farticle Accelerator
oh also still funny: theses. as in the plural of thesis
I have accidentally written 'poosibility' twice today. Also, after having taken an entire Major's worth of philosophy classes, I still laugh when a professor starts talking about duty.
At what price would you sell your soul? Well in grade 8 I sold it to Bessie for 4$. She was opening up a soul shop at the time. I seem to recall buying it back for 3$, but my memory is a little fuzzy on the details. So if I even have a soul left to sell, the new price is a big fucking bag of chocolate. E told me about this marketing thing where they give Dove chocolate to bloggers. I filled out a form, they called me and asked about social networking sites aswell (facebook, myspace) and how much socializing I do- online included. Never did I feel so lame. But apparently I am worthy! I got this big box in the mail today- fullll of chocolate bars, little chocolate squares. I mean full. Anyone in TO want some chocolate? Mm.mmm.mm. I already have that flushed feeling I get from eating too much chocolate or sugar. I’ m going to have to pace myself.
I guess they are marketing the chocolate as an ‘indulge yourself’ moment for the ladies, because I also got a little pedicure pack, a wine glass (too bad “Dove” is splashed across it, oh well) and a leather bound journal! Oh! And a stylish tote, for all my eco-friendly grocery trips to Kensington!
Another flashback- in grade 7 I made a newsletter, it maybe had two or three issues, and about 5 readers including myself. I held a contest to see who could guess what the initialized title stood for. The winner would receive a “Stylish Tote!”. The stylish tote was one of those dog poop bags from the park- I liked them because they had a picture of a guilty looking dog watching his owners delicately manicured hand pick up the poop with the protection of the bag. Ah ha, Sarin also recently reminded me that she submitted a story on the problems with parents wanting more control over your life. Apparently I rejected it! I said it wasn’t that kind of newsletter, I was looking for fun satire! The gall!
how's this for a social experiment (oh for a female to do): go to a bar/club/party/anywhere where young drunk people congregate, wearing a shirt that says something like "EVERYONE LIKES THEIR OWN BRAND" on one side and maybe "FARTSTRONG" or "HUMAN SEWER" on the other side. Then act really sexually aggressive, flirty. Hilarious results? disastrous? typical?
possible variation: if the object of said flirtation asks about the t-shirt or acts uncomfortable, tell him that you ruined your shirt earlier that night, and this tshirt is just a loan from a friend- and actually 'toilet' humour revolts and embarrasses you, so please don't mention it again. That could be funny if you bring it up, as dude would definitely be a little weirded out and likely pretty uncomfortable. If they were the one to bring up the tshirt- they'll probably feel sort of terrible. Either way it will remain a huge white elephant.
yeah?
I think a really hot girl would be best suited to do this. yes.
So I am currently wallowing in my own stench, waiting to be sure my awake roommate is done with the washroom for the night. It's really not in my character to be embarrassed about farts, faeces, poop, crap, etc. Actually it's more like the worlds longest running gag- one that I will always always find funny. Increasingly though, I have begun to tone down the poop talk around mixed company, as I don't want to illicit unnecessary feelings of disgust, disdain, nausea, horror, repulsion ... I could go on... as I have in the past. Plus it's a new roomie and the only one I haven't 'talked shop' with. Trivia: Last week another of the roommates (there are 3 in all) declared my name to be The Burpist, as I take burping to an art form. Only took 6 weeks of living here!
Maybe it was the fries from the chip truck (veggie oil, but still), or maybe it was the solid week of drinking, or maybe the unusually large amount of cheese, or the onion tofu curry?. Probably it was a little bit of each. Whatever the cause, the effect has been two days of sporadic (sidebar: clueless forever ruined that word for me), intense pain, and a race to the washroom. You know when you have gas that is bad enough to get those around you genuinely pissed off and frustrated? That was yesterday. Today is worse.
seriously this smell is one for the record books. Im actually worried that it has escaped the cracks of my door and seeped into the roommates room.
haha. its like I'm "live blogging" my gastro-intestinal activities.
I was going to crack open a tallboy, but that probably isnt a good idea.
OK, now that I've gotten that off my chest (there is a Cleavland Steamer joke in there somewhere), I'll try to limit future posts centred on my bowels.
Considering those feeds are largely customized based on what I have written, I'm surprised I haven't seen more of these.
The site is lame, and you have to download the videos?! I prefer mine live anyway.
Not sure if it's something to be proud of, but this site immediately made me think of my dad.
the other day at the drug store I let out a thick one. it was baad. So I gave the woman beside me the most disgusted and condemning look I could muster, as if the power of the glare alone would transcend all logic and make her feel guilty.
the other day at the drug store I let out a thick one and gave the woman beside me the most disgusted and grossed out look I could muster, as if the power of the glare alone would transcend all logic and make her feel guilty.
So I love the sprinkle brigade
