lamenotlame

Parking garages have got to be one of the top ten places to rip a loud and proud fart

me: my farts are noxiousi had to leave from helping out early because my body was so stiff from holding them inI had to pretend i had a bad backHeather: ha. i love ityou should have just walked outside and fartedme: well I couldnt have done that every 10 minutes for two and a half hoursplus i would have had to stand there and let it disconnectprevent the trailHeather: im getting pretty good at that at workme: disconnecting the trail?Heather: i had tofu chilli for lunch and had to fart a lot todayme: yeah cabbage soup was my culpritHeather: yea i walk to an area with no people, act busy and then slowly walk back to my areame: i blamed their dogquietly as if i was trying to be subtle about being offendedps. i laughed out loud at your techniqueHeather: good. i laugh as im doing it

Heather noted an important addition to the museum gas story- I didn't just hold them in- I actually let out an audible fart, laughed and only then notice two seated young fellows directly beside me, head level to my ass. I scooted H and B away from the area, leaving the chaps to enjoy the aftermath on their own.
these things are worth knowing

-best not to eat cabbage and broccoli soup before a stretching class.
-go to a fitness class. find the skinniest girl there. She will leave sometime during the cool down/stretch. true 9 times out of ten. also, you'll probably find her on a cardio machine on your way out.
-in a clean up of the worlds oceans, cigarette butts are the biggest contributor to debris! woah! For most of the world, number 2 (hehe) is plastic bags; for canada, it is food containers. I read this in a real life newspaper, so not going to link.
-someones facebook status today said something about not understanding the ridiculousness of twitter. He insulted twitter. using the fb status tool. the irony is burning a hole through my brain. after further thought, i am downgrading the irony level, but only a bit.
I'm currently trying to decide whether to have a pudding or a beer. The Beer is Winter Ale from Granville Island Brewery. Best beer find of the season. hints of vanilla. ok, totally going for a beer and a joint. b and j. bj. ha. is that funny? not it is not.

Farticles
Update: it gets better
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If you see a girl walking down the street and she is biting her lip with a look of concentration, she might be thinking about sex; but she also might be struggling to hold in a fart

how's this for a social experiment (oh for a female to do): go to a bar/club/party/anywhere where young drunk people congregate, wearing a shirt that says something like "EVERYONE LIKES THEIR OWN BRAND" on one side and maybe "FARTSTRONG" or "HUMAN SEWER" on the other side. Then act really sexually aggressive, flirty. Hilarious results? disastrous? typical?
possible variation: if the object of said flirtation asks about the t-shirt or acts uncomfortable, tell him that you ruined your shirt earlier that night, and this tshirt is just a loan from a friend- and actually 'toilet' humour revolts and embarrasses you, so please don't mention it again. That could be funny if you bring it up, as dude would definitely be a little weirded out and likely pretty uncomfortable. If they were the one to bring up the tshirt- they'll probably feel sort of terrible. Either way it will remain a huge white elephant.
yeah?
I think a really hot girl would be best suited to do this. yes.

when I was about 7 or 8 years old, maybe 9 I dont really remember, the older lady next door had her son and his family move in with her for a few months. I think they were in a tight spot, new to town, couldn't find a job. The family consisted of a french canadian wife and two young sons around my age. At that age,whatever it was, proximity is the basis of most friendships, so for that summer they were my best friends. I think we all sported matching mushroom cuts (looking back, I spent most of my youth with regrettable haircuts. Lets not even get into the rats tail). They were an incredibly wholesome family; the dad was always playing the guitar and the boys sang along. The boys were mightily impressed by his guitar playing, so I was too. They said that it was his gift from God. They said that everybody got a gift from God, though you probably wouldn't know what it was until you were a grown-up. I asked my dad what his gift from God was. My dad pragmatically avoided the question, but I was a brat a wouldn't shut up about it, so he said farting. So for a brief period in my life, I believed that my Dad's prolific farting was a Gift from God. Interestingly, it wasn't that I realized that farting wasn't a gift from God, it was that I realized I didn't believe in God.

the other day at the drug store I let out a thick one. it was baad. So I gave the woman beside me the most disgusted and condemning look I could muster, as if the power of the glare alone would transcend all logic and make her feel guilty.

the other day at the drug store I let out a thick one and gave the woman beside me the most disgusted and grossed out look I could muster, as if the power of the glare alone would transcend all logic and make her feel guilty.